Saturday, July 9, 2011

Public service announcement #1

     So my regular post is taking a little longer than anticipated (I blame Tom Cruise, freaking Scientologists).  So hopefully this public service announcement will better your lives. It's all ready helped like, all of Indonesia.  

    Someone once said to me "Hey Kyle you sure are quick on your feet to say something funny, intelligent, quirky, and clever.  You are probably the best person to ever live, I'm pretty sure you were the influence for Weezer's "I am the greatest man that ever lived" song." Ok so that last part didn't happen...and well neither did the first part.  But If I combine like, the 5 nice things people have said to me I get that first part.  I would like to tell you how, I am the Iam

    It's not because I am smarter than you.  It's because I am situationally prepared.  For instance, I am ready at ANY TIME for someone to say "Yo Kyle it's a rap off using your name to rhyme off of."  I'd be all like "I'm ready fo' that, just drop a beat."  it goes as follows:

My name is Kyle.
I don't own a single file.
I once caught a fish from the nile.
All my clothes are in a pile.
I use a toilett for my bile.
My sister's got tons of style.  (Fun fact #1 my sister seriously does have tons of style. Especially with shoes.)
My Mom's without guile.
This one time I ran a mile.
I rap every once in a while.
You don't use a potato to dial.
When I was young I owned a reptile.
I think you are in denial.
I've got tons of acid in a vial.
Lowes carries my favorite kind of tile.
I'm so freaking agile.
Yet so freaking docile.
I even watched the O.J trial.
One day I'll fight a crocodile.
And because of that I smile.

   Ya, that just happened.  I may never use that BAMF rap in my lifetime, but I can sleep at night knowing I'm prepared, and I'm not even an eagle scout.  Also when I was like 8 my brother said the line "Well look at you Mr. Smarty pants."  I had nothing to say, because I was 8 and stupid.  About a day later I came up with, what I thought was the greatest line ever "Well at least my career doesn't have the phrase "Do you want fries with that?" in it."  So I just waited, and waited then one day when I was 13 the time came. Blasted him with the line and smugly walked away saying "You should pick up your jaw, because you're drooling on the floor shmuck."

    As a result I'm ready for almost any situation.  Like if a girl ever says "I used to be a dude."  I say "Hey so was my friend Chase."   BOOM! (Fun fact #2 suck it Chase BAHAHAHAHAAHA).  This will seriously give you a leg up in life.  Use it on siblings, parents, co-workers, hot people, ugly people, ect... it doesn't really matter, because, if you're not a freaking tard you will prevail.  Now, all you need to remember to be situationally prepared, are the 5 D's of dodgeball: dodge, dip, dive, duck, dodge. 


michelle said...

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA , please blog everyday! I seriously laughed so loud that my cat jumped off the couch cause I scared him. Oh ha ha ha Chase use to be a dude? ha ha ha oh and um Kyle, where you even alive during the OJ trial, or did you watch it on a Cspan rerun?
Oh you are the best! Thanks for this post!! I'm going to read it again tomorrow!

Babs said...

Kyle, you are the best blogger ever. I mean that.

Ryan said...

I am so awesome. I can't believe I burned you so bad and then even with 5 years of planning, your comeback was still weaksauce! That's why I am the big brother.

Garrett said...

Chase was a dude? I've always been terrible at sensing when certain changes have been made.