Monday, July 18, 2011

Fearing fear

   The other day I heard one the coolest stories of my life.  As it goes, Danous Estenor a USF (University of Southern Florida) offensive linemen was chilling in Florida going to grab some food.  He sees a man trapped under a wheel of a Cadilac! (What I want to know is how does someone end up under a tire? I know it was a tow truck driver so he gets under cars sometimes, but that doesn't explain what he was doing under a wheel) So what does he do?  What any logical citizen would do.  He lifted the car...yes you read that right.  He lifted a 3,000 pound car to save a mans life.  And that got me thinking "That is one dude I do not want to meet in a dark alley."  So here is a list of people I never want to meet in a dark alley *Note* this is NOT a top 10 list, it's merely a list of random people I decided to talk about.*

Jon Bones Jones-Professional UFC fighter-  I want nothing to do with any of his 6'4" 205 lbs.  Brother chased down a mugger and put him in a arm bar until authorities came.  No big deal.  Oh and he has a 7 foot wingspan.  7 feet! Do I sense a "bro-crush" coming on?  Ya, I think I do.  Give me a gun, I still lose.  Why? Because I wet myself when he starts running at me...then I die.

Houdini  -The best magician ever-  Ya people say he's dead so what?  Do you want to fight a magician?  I don't.  Everytime I'd try and shoot him a dove would come out of no where and take the bullet for him.  Or he'd "find" a crowbar from behind my ear and beat me to death with it. A cop once (and only ONCE) claimed that Houdini bribed him and other cops to escape from prisons early in career.  He sued him and won...because he was able to break into the judge's safe, proving his legitness(I don't care if that's not a word it works, deal with it)...also that cop was never heard from again. 

Ty Workman  -BAMF dude-  The problem with Ty is he is better at...well everything than I am.  You take my best attribute (knife fighting) against Ty's worst (ballet) and Ty still wins.  How you ask? Because.  (Didn't you just hate it when your parents would answer a question with "because"? me too. So, now it's my turn)

Coach Clark -One crazy Polynesian-  Honestly, I don't want to meet him anwhere.  Sidenote I'm pretty sure he's part grizzle bear

Charles Manson  -Batshit crazy- 

Bill Murray  -A professional-  If I were to meet Bill Murray anywhere really I would finally realize how not funny I am.  And that's worse than dying...

Nancy Pelosi  -Censored-  I don't want to meet her in a dark alley because, well, I'd go down for Murder 1 and I really don't need that right now. 

Orlando Bloom  -Aspiring actor-  I'd catch his lame

Leonard Nimoy  -Spock-  I would say "Hey look it's Leonard Nemoy, that's cool.".  I would then be jumped by literally 164 crazed trekies who would tear me limb for limb, all the while, swearing in Klingon for calling their beloved Spock by his "Earth name"

Ray Lewis -Professional football player-  I'm pretty sure he's killed a guy.  And the only reason he isn't an actual professional killer is because Football is a more lucradive career. 

Myself -NegaKyle- This would defy laws of physics, logic, and the space time continuum.  Who knows all my moves better than me?  Nobody that's who. (Imagine if you will, George Sr. fighting Oscar in Arrested Development).  I would also have an inckling that I was in the Water Temple from Ocarina of Time (Fun fact #1 this was the first video I literally just sat there and watched my Brother beat the whole thing.  Also absolutly GREAT game.) and I hated that stupid temple.  I also feel a "shadow Kyle"  would be...darker than me.  Would he carry a machete at all times?  Probably.  Would he have a jar of lava?  I would if I were him.  How do I beat a darker, machete carrying, lava throwing, version of myself? *Random tangent*Also, he must be far more technilogically advanced than me, because he has lava, in a jar that he would throw at me.  That's a game changer.  But just think of the technology requied to have a jar that could hold lava and keep it hot, perfect for throwing/pouring on people but the jar wouldn't melt or even be hot!*  When I lose this fight I would think "I really should've been more prepared to fight myself.  Wait, how could I be more prepared to fight me than by being me?"  that, is a paradox that has the potential to unravel space and time. 

   There you have it.  All of those people I hope to never meet in a dark alleyway.  Although, have you ever wondered why we say that?  And by that I mean "I don't want to meet that guy in a dark alleyway"?  I mean, I know why I say it.  Because this one time after "mouthing off" to my dad (Fun fact #2 I put "'s around mouthing off because, really as a child I never actually mouthed off because of the amount of fear my father instilled into my soul as a child.  So they were never really mouthing off) he said the following very quietly so my mom couldn't hear "You know, you never know what can happen in a dark alleyway.  You could for instance,  oh I dont know, have a terrible fall...." (Fun fact #2 makes sense now huh?) I just don't think everyone has fathers that blantly threaten them at 9 to create that kind fear. You know what else can deepen that fear?  Getting seperated fromy your family at the Rockland county carnival when you're 12 and finding yourself in a dark alley with a clown, then he says "Hey kid you lost?  Your parents won't be able to to find you back here....".  Only a few months ago, after a decade of nightmares of being dismembered behind the fat bearded lady tent, I realized he was probably trying to help....Oh well the damage is been done. 

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Public service announcement #1

     So my regular post is taking a little longer than anticipated (I blame Tom Cruise, freaking Scientologists).  So hopefully this public service announcement will better your lives. It's all ready helped like, all of Indonesia.  

    Someone once said to me "Hey Kyle you sure are quick on your feet to say something funny, intelligent, quirky, and clever.  You are probably the best person to ever live, I'm pretty sure you were the influence for Weezer's "I am the greatest man that ever lived" song." Ok so that last part didn't happen...and well neither did the first part.  But If I combine like, the 5 nice things people have said to me I get that first part.  I would like to tell you how, I am the Iam

    It's not because I am smarter than you.  It's because I am situationally prepared.  For instance, I am ready at ANY TIME for someone to say "Yo Kyle it's a rap off using your name to rhyme off of."  I'd be all like "I'm ready fo' that, just drop a beat."  it goes as follows:

My name is Kyle.
I don't own a single file.
I once caught a fish from the nile.
All my clothes are in a pile.
I use a toilett for my bile.
My sister's got tons of style.  (Fun fact #1 my sister seriously does have tons of style. Especially with shoes.)
My Mom's without guile.
This one time I ran a mile.
I rap every once in a while.
You don't use a potato to dial.
When I was young I owned a reptile.
I think you are in denial.
I've got tons of acid in a vial.
Lowes carries my favorite kind of tile.
I'm so freaking agile.
Yet so freaking docile.
I even watched the O.J trial.
One day I'll fight a crocodile.
And because of that I smile.

   Ya, that just happened.  I may never use that BAMF rap in my lifetime, but I can sleep at night knowing I'm prepared, and I'm not even an eagle scout.  Also when I was like 8 my brother said the line "Well look at you Mr. Smarty pants."  I had nothing to say, because I was 8 and stupid.  About a day later I came up with, what I thought was the greatest line ever "Well at least my career doesn't have the phrase "Do you want fries with that?" in it."  So I just waited, and waited then one day when I was 13 the time came. Blasted him with the line and smugly walked away saying "You should pick up your jaw, because you're drooling on the floor shmuck."

    As a result I'm ready for almost any situation.  Like if a girl ever says "I used to be a dude."  I say "Hey so was my friend Chase."   BOOM! (Fun fact #2 suck it Chase BAHAHAHAHAAHA).  This will seriously give you a leg up in life.  Use it on siblings, parents, co-workers, hot people, ugly people, ect... it doesn't really matter, because, if you're not a freaking tard you will prevail.  Now, all you need to remember to be situationally prepared, are the 5 D's of dodgeball: dodge, dip, dive, duck, dodge.