Saturday, February 11, 2012
So as many of you have noticed it has been quite some time since I blogged. What happens is, I start writing a blog (and crushing it might I add) but then something terrible would always happen. I would stop being funny. Do you know how terrifying that is? I'm not good at stuff, like any stuff, being funny is all I have. And technically I'm not even very funny. So what I' going to do is combine some blogs into a crazy ADD blog post on crack. And crack ain't cheap you know.
So I thought I would do one of my shorter blogs to keep people (Michelle) happy. Good idea right? This way everyone is happy, and I stop receiving her death threats.
It has come to my attention that my mother loves my niece more than she loves me. Recently Reagan (my niece) came over and said "Momma I'm excited to see you because you always have a present for me! Whats my present?". You know whats worse than Reagan saying that? My mom actually had a surprise for her, it was this cool Playdo thing. Look, I'm 23 and I thought it was cool. Imagine what a 3 year old thought? The last time my mom told me she had a surprise for me, she threw salt in my eyes and lit me on fire.
As most of you should know by now I am a toilet paper deliver guy. (And no its not a delivery boy people! That's reserved for paper boys and pool boys only!) This provides me a lot of opportunities to talk to complete strangers and muster all the sarcasm I can (Fun Fact #1 all the sarcasm I can muster is roughly 4 times more than a regular human being. What can I say? It was my up bringing.) For instance, when someone says "Where should I sign?" I typically respond with "Oh I don't know, maybe next to that giant X since we've only been signing by the X since forever." They usually don't know how to respond and just laugh even though I seriously just mocked their intelligence. Or when people try to make fun of me for delivering toilet paper I have a few responses "You do not want to live in this world without me, and my toilet paper, trust me I know toilet paper." or "You know, without my business, you can't do yours." or "Look, I'm in school to be an orthopaedic surgeon to you know, to change lives, so you have fun being a receptionsist at a cheap hotel. (Fun Fact #2 I lie ALL the time at work)
The science of dating
So what I want to do here is to try and help the helpless. I was recently at an eating establishment and I saw a cute lil couple out to dinner. This kid was obviously in physical distress, it appeared to be a failling first date. And failing badly. I mean he had no friends to talk to about Halo, The Jimmer, Modern Warfare 3, the shotgun formation, monster trucks, or Shawn White's god like skillz. So what did he need to do now to make his date at Wendy's work? First thing don't take a girl to Wendy's man! All this poor child needed to know is what the signs are and what they mean, and he wouldn't have been staring aimlessly into his chicken nuggets thinking "this date is failing even though I have a Justin Beiber haircut! I've been lied to.". But before I get into the signs and what they mean I'll give you some fool proof advice. Before every date eat a block or two of cheese, preferably sharp cheddar or gouda. That's a must you hear me?!
- If she doesn't eat anything
- Constantly talking about her ex-boyfriends the 6'4 all state basketball player. (tool)
- Constantly texting, even to the point of asking for the correct spelling of 'excruciating'
- Openly flirting with another guys
- She, (lets call her mary) asks you to help with her homework, then before you know it your holding her math book, shes been gone for 45 minutes and her dad is yelling at you for being in his daughters room. You try to tell them that you know her that you're her friend, as you realize just how bad this looks. Her parents are adament that they know all her real friends (putting an emphasis on real). Mary comes home to all this yelling and death threats. Her dad asks if she knows you, you finally calm down because mary will tell them. She told you she liked you and that you were "like, so cool". Mary says she's never seen you before in her life, her dad starts calling the cops. Little does that skank know, you saved ALL the texts she's sent whcih not only validated her knowing you, but reaveled that she got plastered and started a fire. Oh, and that the mom was giving the pool boy some special tips, if you know what I mean. Then to top it all off, your slowly moving towards the door before the room explodes from awkwardness. You say to Mary "Oh, by the way your going to fail math because I've been purposely doing all your homework wrong all year. Because like you said I'm like, so cool. (looking around the room at the empty shell of a family) see you around." BOOM! Suck on that MARY, ya mega whore! Anyway moving on...
- She's eyeballing the exit.
- She goes to the bathroom 11 times for like 15 min each
- She asks about your interests and then makes fun of them
- She only asks about your friend Chad. you know, his number, interests, where he lives, which room is his ect...
So we have a good base of signs to break down so I'll start at the top. She doesn't eat anything. This one is so obvious I'm embarrassed. She thinks you've been looking at her thighs and think she's fat.
Talks about her giant ex-boyfriend. He has a small penis. Nuff said.
Constantly texting. This one took awhile. She actualy isn't texting it's, just a version of her saying "try harder stupid."
Why does she go to the bathroom like infinity times? Easy. She thinks you think she's fat so she's throwing up. It's so simple when you think about it like that.
She keeps asking about your friend Chad. Well this one stings because Chad is plain and simple better looking than you. Also, he's funnier, in fact, Chad is better than you in every concievable way. Deal with it. I have. That may mean you cry yourself to sleep every night, no shame in that. Also of note, Chad sucks.
When she makes fun of the things you like it's because she thinks you think she's fat and she wants to mess with your self esteem too. Whatever you do don't cry. I'm not gonna lie most of the signs are all about how girls think they're fat. Something you may want to suggest to her is wearing stripes. They point the eye down.
It's James' Fault I have Sarah Bareilles on my Ipod
So I'm going to let you in on a thought process I had today. I couldn't remember the name of a certain band (turned out to be The Cure) but I could remember the name of one of their songs "Love song". So I go into my song list on my ipod looking for the song "Love Song" I found one by Sara Bareilles so I of course thought "she has a version of this song? That's weird." I listen to roughly 3 seconds of the song and think "Wait I remember this song, and it's nothing like the one I want. Lame, I think it's stupid it has the same name...wait why is Sarah Bareilles on my Ipod? I mean I don't like her music...Is she hot?". A quick google search later- Meh, she's not bad but she has a weird nose. But definitely not hot enough to be on my Ipod when I don't like her music."
Incomplete movie script: My life the movie.
Cast (In order of appearance) *Note the actor may actually look nothing like the person they're playing
Kyle Mahoney: Andrew Garfield (Social Network)
Chase Trouthner: Topher Grace (That 70's Show)
Joseph Cavender. Ryan Gosling (Crazy Stupid Love)
James Tidwell: Zac Efron (17 Again)
Anine Hotvedt: Ellen Page (Inception)
Jeff Cook: Micheal Cera (George Micheal)
Garrett Mackay: Jesse Eisenberg (Zombieland)
Ben Roush: Josh Henderson (Nothing notable because Ben likes things that no one likes)
Chad Workman: Chris Pine (Star Trek)
Ryan Mahoney: Chris O'dowd (The IT Crowd)
Future Kyle: Leonardo DiCaprio (Growing Pains)
Future Chase: Edward Norton (Fight Club)
Ty Workman: Ashton Kutcher (That 70's Show)
Past Kyle:Seth: Robert Dusky (Diary Of a Wimpy Kid)
Danielle Mahoney: Amy Adams (Enchanted)
Kaitlyn Mahoney Tolman: April Ludgate (Parks and Rec)
Joseph Tolman: Robert Pattinson (Twilight (you're welcome Kaitlyn))
Janet Mahoney: Amy Sedaris (Puss In Boots)
Jack Mahoney: Alfred Molina (Spider Man 2)
Barbra Lepinski: Courtney Cox (FRIENDS)
John Lepinksi: Collim Firth (Pride and Prejudice)
Voice of Kyal Allphin: Bob Sagat (How I Met Your Mother)
Jorgen Tuck: Jason Segal (How I Met Your Mother)
So, this is as far as I got with my movie. A cast that could never be assembled. It was really quite awkward looking up male actors. For instance to find a actor for Ty I typed "Hot young actor" into Google...which brought up some seriously weird results.
I hope you enjoyed that randomness of my thoughts. I also realize the script to my movie actually has no script. Or even a screen play or anything. It's merely the people I want in my movie. Maybe a day in the future I'll attempt writing a script or something. To add to the randomness I just remembered Ryan Mahoney still owes the world his top 10 list of best friend duos. The world is waiting Ryan. And to be honest it's also a little disappointed. We all are.
I know it only took me 42 days into this new year to post a blog. I, like many other before me, said I want to blog more this year. Will it happen? Would Michelle stab me in my heart if I stopped blogging to signify her breaking my heart like I broke hers? More than likely. I'm not really good at endings so, I'll see you around, dirt bag.