Monday, July 18, 2011

Fearing fear

   The other day I heard one the coolest stories of my life.  As it goes, Danous Estenor a USF (University of Southern Florida) offensive linemen was chilling in Florida going to grab some food.  He sees a man trapped under a wheel of a Cadilac! (What I want to know is how does someone end up under a tire? I know it was a tow truck driver so he gets under cars sometimes, but that doesn't explain what he was doing under a wheel) So what does he do?  What any logical citizen would do.  He lifted the car...yes you read that right.  He lifted a 3,000 pound car to save a mans life.  And that got me thinking "That is one dude I do not want to meet in a dark alley."  So here is a list of people I never want to meet in a dark alley *Note* this is NOT a top 10 list, it's merely a list of random people I decided to talk about.*

Jon Bones Jones-Professional UFC fighter-  I want nothing to do with any of his 6'4" 205 lbs.  Brother chased down a mugger and put him in a arm bar until authorities came.  No big deal.  Oh and he has a 7 foot wingspan.  7 feet! Do I sense a "bro-crush" coming on?  Ya, I think I do.  Give me a gun, I still lose.  Why? Because I wet myself when he starts running at me...then I die.

Houdini  -The best magician ever-  Ya people say he's dead so what?  Do you want to fight a magician?  I don't.  Everytime I'd try and shoot him a dove would come out of no where and take the bullet for him.  Or he'd "find" a crowbar from behind my ear and beat me to death with it. A cop once (and only ONCE) claimed that Houdini bribed him and other cops to escape from prisons early in career.  He sued him and won...because he was able to break into the judge's safe, proving his legitness(I don't care if that's not a word it works, deal with it)...also that cop was never heard from again. 

Ty Workman  -BAMF dude-  The problem with Ty is he is better at...well everything than I am.  You take my best attribute (knife fighting) against Ty's worst (ballet) and Ty still wins.  How you ask? Because.  (Didn't you just hate it when your parents would answer a question with "because"? me too. So, now it's my turn)

Coach Clark -One crazy Polynesian-  Honestly, I don't want to meet him anwhere.  Sidenote I'm pretty sure he's part grizzle bear

Charles Manson  -Batshit crazy- 

Bill Murray  -A professional-  If I were to meet Bill Murray anywhere really I would finally realize how not funny I am.  And that's worse than dying...

Nancy Pelosi  -Censored-  I don't want to meet her in a dark alley because, well, I'd go down for Murder 1 and I really don't need that right now. 

Orlando Bloom  -Aspiring actor-  I'd catch his lame

Leonard Nimoy  -Spock-  I would say "Hey look it's Leonard Nemoy, that's cool.".  I would then be jumped by literally 164 crazed trekies who would tear me limb for limb, all the while, swearing in Klingon for calling their beloved Spock by his "Earth name"

Ray Lewis -Professional football player-  I'm pretty sure he's killed a guy.  And the only reason he isn't an actual professional killer is because Football is a more lucradive career. 

Myself -NegaKyle- This would defy laws of physics, logic, and the space time continuum.  Who knows all my moves better than me?  Nobody that's who. (Imagine if you will, George Sr. fighting Oscar in Arrested Development).  I would also have an inckling that I was in the Water Temple from Ocarina of Time (Fun fact #1 this was the first video I literally just sat there and watched my Brother beat the whole thing.  Also absolutly GREAT game.) and I hated that stupid temple.  I also feel a "shadow Kyle"  would be...darker than me.  Would he carry a machete at all times?  Probably.  Would he have a jar of lava?  I would if I were him.  How do I beat a darker, machete carrying, lava throwing, version of myself? *Random tangent*Also, he must be far more technilogically advanced than me, because he has lava, in a jar that he would throw at me.  That's a game changer.  But just think of the technology requied to have a jar that could hold lava and keep it hot, perfect for throwing/pouring on people but the jar wouldn't melt or even be hot!*  When I lose this fight I would think "I really should've been more prepared to fight myself.  Wait, how could I be more prepared to fight me than by being me?"  that, is a paradox that has the potential to unravel space and time. 

   There you have it.  All of those people I hope to never meet in a dark alleyway.  Although, have you ever wondered why we say that?  And by that I mean "I don't want to meet that guy in a dark alleyway"?  I mean, I know why I say it.  Because this one time after "mouthing off" to my dad (Fun fact #2 I put "'s around mouthing off because, really as a child I never actually mouthed off because of the amount of fear my father instilled into my soul as a child.  So they were never really mouthing off) he said the following very quietly so my mom couldn't hear "You know, you never know what can happen in a dark alleyway.  You could for instance,  oh I dont know, have a terrible fall...." (Fun fact #2 makes sense now huh?) I just don't think everyone has fathers that blantly threaten them at 9 to create that kind fear. You know what else can deepen that fear?  Getting seperated fromy your family at the Rockland county carnival when you're 12 and finding yourself in a dark alley with a clown, then he says "Hey kid you lost?  Your parents won't be able to to find you back here....".  Only a few months ago, after a decade of nightmares of being dismembered behind the fat bearded lady tent, I realized he was probably trying to help....Oh well the damage is been done. 

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Public service announcement #1

     So my regular post is taking a little longer than anticipated (I blame Tom Cruise, freaking Scientologists).  So hopefully this public service announcement will better your lives. It's all ready helped like, all of Indonesia.  

    Someone once said to me "Hey Kyle you sure are quick on your feet to say something funny, intelligent, quirky, and clever.  You are probably the best person to ever live, I'm pretty sure you were the influence for Weezer's "I am the greatest man that ever lived" song." Ok so that last part didn't happen...and well neither did the first part.  But If I combine like, the 5 nice things people have said to me I get that first part.  I would like to tell you how, I am the Iam

    It's not because I am smarter than you.  It's because I am situationally prepared.  For instance, I am ready at ANY TIME for someone to say "Yo Kyle it's a rap off using your name to rhyme off of."  I'd be all like "I'm ready fo' that, just drop a beat."  it goes as follows:

My name is Kyle.
I don't own a single file.
I once caught a fish from the nile.
All my clothes are in a pile.
I use a toilett for my bile.
My sister's got tons of style.  (Fun fact #1 my sister seriously does have tons of style. Especially with shoes.)
My Mom's without guile.
This one time I ran a mile.
I rap every once in a while.
You don't use a potato to dial.
When I was young I owned a reptile.
I think you are in denial.
I've got tons of acid in a vial.
Lowes carries my favorite kind of tile.
I'm so freaking agile.
Yet so freaking docile.
I even watched the O.J trial.
One day I'll fight a crocodile.
And because of that I smile.

   Ya, that just happened.  I may never use that BAMF rap in my lifetime, but I can sleep at night knowing I'm prepared, and I'm not even an eagle scout.  Also when I was like 8 my brother said the line "Well look at you Mr. Smarty pants."  I had nothing to say, because I was 8 and stupid.  About a day later I came up with, what I thought was the greatest line ever "Well at least my career doesn't have the phrase "Do you want fries with that?" in it."  So I just waited, and waited then one day when I was 13 the time came. Blasted him with the line and smugly walked away saying "You should pick up your jaw, because you're drooling on the floor shmuck."

    As a result I'm ready for almost any situation.  Like if a girl ever says "I used to be a dude."  I say "Hey so was my friend Chase."   BOOM! (Fun fact #2 suck it Chase BAHAHAHAHAAHA).  This will seriously give you a leg up in life.  Use it on siblings, parents, co-workers, hot people, ugly people, ect... it doesn't really matter, because, if you're not a freaking tard you will prevail.  Now, all you need to remember to be situationally prepared, are the 5 D's of dodgeball: dodge, dip, dive, duck, dodge. 

Monday, June 20, 2011

Fishing in the wishing well

    When I was 14 I made a plan to be a super hero.  Rather in depth too.  I drew a sweet costume design, had an epic catch phrase, had pimp ideas for a secret liar, I was looking online for vials of acid, old bookcases, and doors that always creaked when opened.  I then started my quest to get super powers.
     As it turns out that radiation would actually just kill me, not make me awesome.  I also found out there have been no recorded instances in which a person has been bit by a radioactive spider.  There is no such thing as a "super serum". After learning all this I just thought "Well maybe I can just go the Batman or Green Lantern direction just being a normal guy with sweet circumstances.  Well I'm not a billionaire with dead parents.  As for the Green Lantern idea, I waited in a crop circle for nearly 45 minutes and no aliens came with an all powerful ring to fight crime, what a gip.
       I then moved into my Aquaman/Ironman dilemma.  I thought "I'm fairly positive I can't breathe under water, let alone any human ever...but maybe, just maybe I am the exception!".  No, no I wasn't.  Although it led to an eventful summer of trying to learn how to breathe under water (Fun fact #1 there is no book to help you, there is no "Breathing under water for dummies.").  Another problem I couldn't command sea creatures, it was just me screaming at my fish tank for 25 minutes.  *Random side note* Although I was trying to become Aquaman (Only I'd come up with a way sweeter name like "the human fish" good huh?) I never understood WHY he was a superhero.  I mean you can breathe under water and command fish.  So what?  How does that help you when Nazi zombies are eating people, a giant meteor is coming straight towards earth, we're being invaded by technologically advanced aliens, or just the regular weird dude hell bent on destroying the earth? Save the world with that power loser.*   So with that Aquman was out. Ironman really just took the following conversation with myself "Am I smart?  No." Ya that was pretty much it.  But seriously I can't let this Aquman thing go.  Unless the bomb (assuming they even use a bomb, these days we all know a satellite laser is way more likely) is under water (which would still make it crazy hard to find since water covers 2/3 of the freaking earth!) or the bad guy falls under water you could have sharks eat him, but wait won't he die anyway if he's under water for like 5 minutes? Yes he will. I will end this with just saying Aquman is the worst super hero ever! His powers are cool but not super hero worthy.  With that little tantrum out of the way we'll move on.       
      I thought about the possibility of being a mutant. Because not a week goes by that I don't think to myself "Man I wish I was a mutant.  I wouldn't be one of those wiener mutants that just say "All I want to be is normal I hate my life!" shut up faggot.  Another reason is because some mutants don't find out their mutants until later in life.  Technically the ship hasn't sailed on that idea, but at this point I'm merely waiting.  A problem I foresee when (yes I use the word when not if, it's called optimism jerk) I become a mutant unless I have like one of the most BAMF powers of all time, I'll need a posse of mutants to make a formidable crime fighting crew. 
     I gave up on my first dream, until this terrible show changed my life when I was 17.  Heroes.  They were mutants who only got their powers when a solar eclipse happened! There was still hope!  A quick google search yet again destroyed my dreams the closest solar eclipse would be in Idaho/Montana in 2017 (road trip anyone?) other possible candidates being March 2006 in who knows where Africa, August 2008 in no one cares Siberia, July 2009 in the Pacific ocean, and November 2012 in freaking Australia.  Perfect back to square one being a totally normal loser.  (Fun fact #2 I felt way better after Heroes totally sucked as a show and got cancelled with their "big" move at the end of season 3 with Claire showing the world she had powers.  Ya I watched the whole show so what? I have two words that made the show worth it.  Hayden Panettiere.  Ya, lawyered.)
      The last ditch effort was last year when I watched "Kickass" the premise of the show is a normal kid wants to be a super hero (hey that sounds just like me).  Only I thought it out more.  This kid just buys a costume and BAM expects to be a super hero.  Nope he gets stabbed and hit by car.  Funny huh? Due to those events, he no longer has feeling in his whole body.  (fun fact #3 that is called Congenital insensitivity to pain.) so he goes and fights crime.  Only it's not that cool looking.  He gets tricked, pwned and Nicolas Cage gets set on fire next to him.  And lets be real no one wants to be next to Nicolas Cage.  Ever.  That ended any and all "Maybe I don't need super powers to be a super hero." thoughts
    That's where I am now, hopelessly not a super hero.  Lame I know. A dream I had when i was 14 is now in indefinite hiatus.  Don't get me wrong the SECOND I'm bit by a radioactive spider I'm moving to New York.  But until then I will remain incognito as the mild mannered Kyle Mahoney. 

-Some of you may have realized that I never told what my super hero name would be.  Well duh, I didn't tell you so when I do become a super hero no one will know its me.  Also people will just think  "Hey there's a super hero in New York City didn't Kyle randomly pack up and move there like 3 days ago?  Totally gotta be a coincidence."  Hey if Superman can get away with just taking off his freaking glasses and no ever recognizes him I can get away with that. 

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The end of the beginning...does this title make sense? No, no it does not.

The other day I took part in a discussion about the greatest tv/movie friendship duo's of all time. Now when I say "discussion" that usually means we started yelling at eachother and throwing plates to prove our points. At this time I would like to create a top 10 list of friendship duo's.

Honorable mention:

Scooby and Shaggy. They've been best friends since 1969 (Random fun fact #1 that is also the same year we went to the moon. Random fun fact #2 it wasn't a hoax) and never looked back. They paved the way for cross species friendships. Also of note whenever the group split up it was always Scooby and Shaggy who found the "monster". *Random side note* What I don't get is that since it was so obvious that Fred had a thing for Daphne why didn't he ever suggest that Velma go with Scooby and Shaggy? I mean I was 8 and I was yelling at Fred to make a damn move!* (that indicates the end of my random side note) But Shaggy would give Scooby a Scooby treat every episode, which for some inexplicable reason gave Scooby Superman...wait that's not dog powers? Regardless they understood each other way better than a dog and human should.

#10 Hank and Dean Venture.

Brothers by chance. Best friends...well really by chance too. They live incredibly disfuntional lives due to their fathers line of work. Their body guard Brock Sampson (fun fact #3 if I were to make a BAMF list Brock Sampson is #1 hands down with Jason Bourne, Sam Fisher and Jack Bauer close behind him) keeps them alive but they keep each other sane. Both equally awkward in different ways the 2 of them combined is still one nerdy kid who can't swim, get girls or get past their odd obession with Batman, you're right it's not odd. Go team Venture!

#9 Spongebob and Patrick

A cross species friendship that does not include a human. Both of them are so incredibly oblivious you can't help but love them. That element is key in their friendship. Their friendship leaves a wake of destruction in its path. Namely Squidward's life and the Crusty Crab. The best part of this friendship is the simplicity of it.

#8 Stewie and Brian

This friendship has a talking dog and a baby that has a British accent for no reason. The best way to sum up their friendship is here dont worry Brian gets revenge by kicking Stewie in front of an oncoming bus unfortunatly there is no good video of it. They hate and love eachother, and we all know it takes some hate to have a good friendship.

#7 Charlie and Frank

Also known as the gruesome duesome. This friendship clicks for so many great (and creepy) reasons. Frank being like 1000 and Charlie about 30, Frank is crazy rich and Charlie is crazy poor and has no father, Frank ends up being Charlie's dad (a fact they get over quite easily in the show) and Frank banged Charlies dream girl The Waitress being the main ones. They live together in Charlie's should be condemned appartment, and sleep in the same bed in fact. A game, showing the pure weirdness of their friendship is a game called night crawlers. What is night crawlers you ask? It's a game that consists of Frank and Charlie crawling around in the night together like worms. Epic.

#6 Cory and Shawn

Cory and Shawn helped define my childhood. Shawn being the "pretty boy make out slut" friend and Cory being the "I will only ever get one girl" kid. Not even when Cory married that one girl, Topanga they still remained best friends. During the whole show Cory kept Shawn out of too much trouble while Shawn kept Cory grounded in reality. Shawn was always cooler than Shawn, with perfect hair I might add, but he was never too cool for Cory even if he did have chia pet hair.

#5. Captain Kirk and Spock

The original bromance that transends space and time. I feel that is explanation enough. And I'm all ready nerdy enough I don't need Star Trek Nerding me up anymore than it has to.

#4 Marshall and Ted

To me this is almost the perfect friendship. I say almost because if it was perfect it would of course be #1. It seems Marshall and Ted know almost everything about eachother, I mean c'mon Ted was there when Marshall had sex with Lily for the first time; and the first time Marshall told Lily he loved her he was actually saying it to Ted and Funyons. They still lived together once Marshall got married. Marshal explains their friendship like this "Deep in the Amazonian rainforest, there is a tree that only grows around the body of an existing tree. It cannot survive without this tree; it's supported by this tree. Lily, we are that tree." Ted of course being the other tree. It takes absolute best friends to have a sword fight, stabbing ones fiance and then totally being cool afterwards. Thay also have a great theory of "we'll let future Ted and Marshall deal with that."

#3 J.D and Turk

Guy love is one of the greatest songs ever. They have the uptop downlow bumps, hide the saltine, finger or thumb and eeeeaaaggglllleeeee!!!! When JD and Turk hug it makes Carla and Elloit jealous. Carla asks J.D "Tell me my husband loves me more than he loves you." JD responds "It's about that same." J.D and Turk hug more than any heterosexual men I ever heard of. I love their running line of "you smell like______.". They have a stuffed dog together Rowdy, which Carla hates but their bond of best friendship is too strong. 

#2 Is a tie, ok so I know that might technically be cheating but I don't care its my list.  The tie is between Harry and Lloyd and Bill n' Ted.


The epicness of this duo is legendary. They ripped off a hick named Seabass and later knocked him out in a bathroom stall, accidentally killed a professional hitman, rode from somewhere in Nebraska to Coloroda on a scooter, and killed an endagered owl. Those are the makings for an absolutle best friendship. Also of note They wear the classiest clothes as shown above.  It is my life goal to have a road trip with as much pure awesome as theirs did. 

2B. Bill and Ted

The Wild Stallions, be excellent to each other, 69 dude, and...Abraham Lincoln. 86% of the time time travel makes your friendship rise to "Jimmer" status. They even nab 2 midevil babes (random fact #4 It is every mans dream to go back/forward in time and take a babe back with you never thinking about the consequences) They lived the dream...the dream I dream every night.

And the #1 best friendship of all time is Shawn and Gus

In all the other friendships I have previously mentioned there is an aspect of that friendship I don't want, but not with Shawn and Gus' friendship. You want to know what those are? I'll start with Scooby and Shaggy: They are from the 60's and I don't want my best friend to be a dog...that'd just be weird. Spongbob and Patrick: They live underwater so there are so many things in life they miss out on the only ones I will mention are snowboarding and football. Stewie and Brian: I will revert back to my don't want my best friend to be a dog or someone with a British accent. Charlie and Frank: 2 words night crawlers. Cory and Shawn: Shawn ALWAYS got the girls bad friend mojo right there. Also Cory dated a girl named Topanga really what is that name? And he was great friends with the teacher/principal that followed them from 7th grade to college weird much? Kirk and Spock: As epic as and transending space and time is, I have no real desire to go to space as Mccoy said "One tiny crack in the hull, and our blood boils in thirteen seconds. Solar flare might crop up, cook us in our seats. And wait till you're sitting pretty with a case of Andorian shingles. See if you're still so relaxed when your eyeballs are bleeding! Space is disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence." Ted and Marshall: They are also friends with Barney Stintson I couldn't do that. Ever. JD and Turk: They are too girly with their friendship, too many hugs, I don't want anything to do with finger or toe with anyone (even you James) Harry and Lloyd: they're retarded enough said. Bill and Ted: as much I would LOVE to travel in time and be in rock n' roll they unfortunetly had to use time travel to do an assignment for highschool. And Ted's dad is a total douche. Everything about Shawn and Gus' friendship I want. Pyschic detective agency would be the greatest ever, they use so many awesome nerdy jokes. Gus apparently knows every random tidbit ever and he's train enthusiast. Besting a notorious serial killer while the whole time hanging with your best friend? Bantering is at its best with these two.

Now there are many who I thought of for the list I shall name them now Fred & Barney(Flintstones), Master Chief & Cortana(really? I don't have to tell you), Dr. Horrible & Moist(Dr. Horrible), Hiro & Ando(Heroes), Jack & Kate (Lost), Sam Fisher & his gun, Tommy & Chuckie (Rugrats), Zack & Screech (Saved by the Bell), Ted & Barney (How I Met Your Mother), George & Jerry (Seinfeld), Chuck & Morgan (Chuck), Tyler Durden &....Tyler Durden (Fightclub), House & Wilson (House), Fry and Bender (Futurama), Abed & Troy (Community), Bart & Milhouse (Simpsons), Garth & Wayne (Wayne's World). That is the almost made it list maybe one day I'll defend why they weren't on the list...maybe. Now you may be asking is this list biased? Of course it is because it's my list.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

This will get you used to me, Kyle Mahoney...and my odd obbsession with fires and knives.

Introducing Kyle Mahoney,

Hi my name is Kyle Mahoney. I was born in some magical land called Goshen, New York. All I know about that place is A) I was born there and B) It's in New York. Yup that's about all I know about Goshen.  Although, things I do know is how I came to love sports, it started on Saturday, October 26, 1996.when the New York Yankees beat the Atlanta Braves to become champs. The conversation went a little like this. Dad "Hey Kyle come here."
Me "What did I do?"
Dad "Nothing that I know of, but you're about the watch the Yankees prove yet again that they're the best team in Baseball."
Me "The who do what?"
Dad "Just sit and watch" I then proceeded to watch the top of the 9th. It came to a fantastic end when Mark Lempke popped out to Charlie Hayes. There you have it I was hooked for life. I will definitely go into my love of sports in later blogs.
I also love odd random moments that I just to get to see, over hear, am a part of ect.... The following is an actual conversation I over heard. It's a converation between a receptionist and an old guy. Now I was walking into the establishment as the old guy was leaving. As I was about to talk to the receptionist the old guy comes back and says "Excuse me miss but I was just in here and I appear to have lost my glasses have you seen any?"
Receptionist (while looking around) "No Charlie I haven't seen them... they wouldn't happen to be the ones on the top of your head would they?"
The old guy feels the top of his head finds his glasses and looks at them as if thinking "So maybe my wife isn't totally crazy" then says "You're a natural miss, would you please inform Randy that you pass."
He then taps the desk and walks out. After a moment or two of slightly awkward silence I ask "So is Randy your boss?"
The receptionist responds "Randy stopped working here over a year ago... and he was a janitor."
Things like that make my day. Other things I plan on talking about in my blog is my allergy to milk and the comedies that ensue with that, my childhood with Ryan Mahoney and Kaitlyn Tolman, things that I love and hate, really just about anything that tickles my fancy. How often will I post you ask? That is yet to be determined.  We will be in contact.