Monday, June 20, 2011

Fishing in the wishing well

    When I was 14 I made a plan to be a super hero.  Rather in depth too.  I drew a sweet costume design, had an epic catch phrase, had pimp ideas for a secret liar, I was looking online for vials of acid, old bookcases, and doors that always creaked when opened.  I then started my quest to get super powers.
     As it turns out that radiation would actually just kill me, not make me awesome.  I also found out there have been no recorded instances in which a person has been bit by a radioactive spider.  There is no such thing as a "super serum". After learning all this I just thought "Well maybe I can just go the Batman or Green Lantern direction just being a normal guy with sweet circumstances.  Well I'm not a billionaire with dead parents.  As for the Green Lantern idea, I waited in a crop circle for nearly 45 minutes and no aliens came with an all powerful ring to fight crime, what a gip.
       I then moved into my Aquaman/Ironman dilemma.  I thought "I'm fairly positive I can't breathe under water, let alone any human ever...but maybe, just maybe I am the exception!".  No, no I wasn't.  Although it led to an eventful summer of trying to learn how to breathe under water (Fun fact #1 there is no book to help you, there is no "Breathing under water for dummies.").  Another problem I couldn't command sea creatures, it was just me screaming at my fish tank for 25 minutes.  *Random side note* Although I was trying to become Aquaman (Only I'd come up with a way sweeter name like "the human fish" good huh?) I never understood WHY he was a superhero.  I mean you can breathe under water and command fish.  So what?  How does that help you when Nazi zombies are eating people, a giant meteor is coming straight towards earth, we're being invaded by technologically advanced aliens, or just the regular weird dude hell bent on destroying the earth? Save the world with that power loser.*   So with that Aquman was out. Ironman really just took the following conversation with myself "Am I smart?  No." Ya that was pretty much it.  But seriously I can't let this Aquman thing go.  Unless the bomb (assuming they even use a bomb, these days we all know a satellite laser is way more likely) is under water (which would still make it crazy hard to find since water covers 2/3 of the freaking earth!) or the bad guy falls under water you could have sharks eat him, but wait won't he die anyway if he's under water for like 5 minutes? Yes he will. I will end this with just saying Aquman is the worst super hero ever! His powers are cool but not super hero worthy.  With that little tantrum out of the way we'll move on.       
      I thought about the possibility of being a mutant. Because not a week goes by that I don't think to myself "Man I wish I was a mutant.  I wouldn't be one of those wiener mutants that just say "All I want to be is normal I hate my life!" shut up faggot.  Another reason is because some mutants don't find out their mutants until later in life.  Technically the ship hasn't sailed on that idea, but at this point I'm merely waiting.  A problem I foresee when (yes I use the word when not if, it's called optimism jerk) I become a mutant unless I have like one of the most BAMF powers of all time, I'll need a posse of mutants to make a formidable crime fighting crew. 
     I gave up on my first dream, until this terrible show changed my life when I was 17.  Heroes.  They were mutants who only got their powers when a solar eclipse happened! There was still hope!  A quick google search yet again destroyed my dreams the closest solar eclipse would be in Idaho/Montana in 2017 (road trip anyone?) other possible candidates being March 2006 in who knows where Africa, August 2008 in no one cares Siberia, July 2009 in the Pacific ocean, and November 2012 in freaking Australia.  Perfect back to square one being a totally normal loser.  (Fun fact #2 I felt way better after Heroes totally sucked as a show and got cancelled with their "big" move at the end of season 3 with Claire showing the world she had powers.  Ya I watched the whole show so what? I have two words that made the show worth it.  Hayden Panettiere.  Ya, lawyered.)
      The last ditch effort was last year when I watched "Kickass" the premise of the show is a normal kid wants to be a super hero (hey that sounds just like me).  Only I thought it out more.  This kid just buys a costume and BAM expects to be a super hero.  Nope he gets stabbed and hit by car.  Funny huh? Due to those events, he no longer has feeling in his whole body.  (fun fact #3 that is called Congenital insensitivity to pain.) so he goes and fights crime.  Only it's not that cool looking.  He gets tricked, pwned and Nicolas Cage gets set on fire next to him.  And lets be real no one wants to be next to Nicolas Cage.  Ever.  That ended any and all "Maybe I don't need super powers to be a super hero." thoughts
    That's where I am now, hopelessly not a super hero.  Lame I know. A dream I had when i was 14 is now in indefinite hiatus.  Don't get me wrong the SECOND I'm bit by a radioactive spider I'm moving to New York.  But until then I will remain incognito as the mild mannered Kyle Mahoney. 

-Some of you may have realized that I never told what my super hero name would be.  Well duh, I didn't tell you so when I do become a super hero no one will know its me.  Also people will just think  "Hey there's a super hero in New York City didn't Kyle randomly pack up and move there like 3 days ago?  Totally gotta be a coincidence."  Hey if Superman can get away with just taking off his freaking glasses and no ever recognizes him I can get away with that. 


michelle said...

HA HA HA HA , this made my WHOLE morning!! and I am already planning a road trip to Idaho for the eclipse, Let's get a big 15 passenger van and GO!!

michelle said...

still waiting for more post from you...and you inspired me to write on my blogs