Saturday, February 11, 2012

The inconvenient hiatus

So as many of you have noticed it has been quite some time since I blogged.  What happens is, I start writing a blog (and crushing it might I add) but then something terrible would always happen.  I would stop being funny.  Do you know how terrifying that is?  I'm not good at stuff, like any stuff, being funny is all I have.  And technically I'm not even very funny.   So what I' going to do is combine some blogs into a crazy ADD blog post on crack. And crack ain't cheap you know.

                                      No love
So I thought I would do one of my shorter blogs to keep people (Michelle) happy.  Good idea right?  This way everyone is happy, and I stop receiving her death threats.
    It has come to my attention that my mother loves my niece more than she loves me.  Recently Reagan (my niece) came over and said "Momma I'm excited to see you because you always have a present for me! Whats my present?".  You know whats worse than Reagan saying that?   My mom actually had a surprise for her, it was this cool Playdo thing.  Look, I'm 23 and I thought it was cool. Imagine what a 3 year old thought? The last time my mom told me she had a surprise for me, she threw salt in my eyes and lit me on fire.
    As most of you should know by now I am a toilet paper deliver guy. (And no its not a delivery boy people! That's reserved for paper boys and pool boys only!) This provides me a lot of opportunities to talk to complete strangers and muster all the sarcasm I can (Fun Fact #1 all the sarcasm I can muster is roughly 4 times more than a regular human being.  What can I say? It was my up bringing.) For instance, when someone says "Where should I sign?" I typically respond with "Oh I don't know, maybe next to that giant X since we've only been signing by the X since forever." They usually don't know how to respond and just laugh even though I seriously just mocked their intelligence.  Or when people try to make fun of me for delivering toilet paper I have a few responses "You do not want to live in this world without me,  and my toilet paper, trust me I know toilet paper." or "You know, without my business, you can't do yours." or "Look, I'm in school to be an orthopaedic surgeon to you know, to change lives, so you have fun being a receptionsist at a cheap hotel.  (Fun Fact #2 I lie ALL the time at work)

                                                           The science of dating

      So what I want to do here is to try and help the helpless.  I was recently at an eating establishment and I saw a cute lil couple out to dinner. This kid was obviously in physical distress, it appeared to be a failling first date.  And failing badly.  I mean he had no friends to talk to about Halo, The Jimmer, Modern Warfare 3, the shotgun formation, monster trucks, or Shawn White's god like skillz.  So what did he need to do now to make his date at Wendy's work? First thing don't take a girl to Wendy's man! All this poor child needed to know is what the signs are and what they mean, and he wouldn't have been staring aimlessly into his chicken nuggets thinking "this date is failing even though I have a Justin Beiber haircut!  I've been lied to.".  But before I get into the signs and what they mean I'll give you some fool proof advice.  Before every date eat a block or two of cheese, preferably sharp cheddar or gouda.  That's a must you hear me?!

- If she doesn't eat anything
- Constantly talking about her ex-boyfriends the 6'4 all state basketball player. (tool)
- Constantly texting, even to the point of asking for the correct spelling of 'excruciating'
- Openly flirting with another guys
- She, (lets call her mary) asks you to help with her homework, then before you know it your holding her math book, shes been gone for 45 minutes and her dad is yelling at you for being in his daughters room.  You try to tell them that you know her that you're her friend, as you realize just how bad this looks.  Her parents are adament that they know all her real friends (putting an emphasis on real). Mary comes home to all this yelling and death threats.  Her dad asks if she knows you, you finally calm down because mary will tell them. She told you she liked you and that you were  "like, so cool".  Mary says she's never seen you before in her life, her dad starts calling the cops.  Little does that skank know, you saved ALL the texts she's sent whcih not only validated her knowing you, but reaveled that she got plastered and started a fire. Oh, and that the mom was giving the pool boy some special tips, if you know what I mean.  Then to top it all off, your slowly moving towards the door before the room explodes from awkwardness. You say to Mary "Oh, by the way your going to fail math because I've been purposely doing all your homework wrong all year. Because like you said I'm like, so cool.  (looking around the room at the empty shell of a family) see you around."  BOOM! Suck on that MARY, ya mega whore!  Anyway moving on...
- She's eyeballing the exit.
- She goes to the bathroom 11 times for like 15 min each
- She asks about your interests and then makes fun of them
- She only asks about your friend Chad.  you know, his number, interests, where he lives, which room is his ect...
     So we have a good base of signs to break down so I'll start at the top.  She doesn't eat anything.  This one is so obvious I'm embarrassed.  She thinks you've been looking at her thighs and think she's fat.
     Talks about her giant ex-boyfriend.  He has a small penis.  Nuff said.
     Constantly texting.  This one took awhile.  She actualy isn't texting it's, just a version of her saying "try harder stupid."
    Why does she go to the bathroom like infinity times? Easy.  She thinks you think she's fat so she's throwing up.  It's so simple when you think about it like that.
     She keeps asking about your friend Chad.  Well this one stings because Chad is plain and simple better looking than you.  Also, he's funnier, in fact, Chad is better than you in every concievable way.  Deal with it. I have.  That may mean you cry yourself to sleep every night, no shame in that.  Also of note, Chad sucks.
      When she makes fun of the things you like it's because she thinks you think she's fat and she wants to mess with your self esteem too.  Whatever you do don't cry. I'm not gonna lie most of the signs are all about how girls think they're fat.  Something you may want to suggest to her is wearing stripes.  They point the eye down.

                                      It's James' Fault I have Sarah Bareilles on my Ipod

   So I'm going to let you in on a thought process I had today.  I couldn't remember the name of a certain band (turned out to be The Cure) but I could remember the name of one of their songs "Love song".  So I go into my song list on my ipod looking for the song "Love Song" I found one by Sara Bareilles so I of course thought "she has a version of this song? That's weird."  I listen to roughly 3 seconds of the song and think "Wait I remember this song, and it's nothing like the one I want. Lame, I think it's stupid it has the same name...wait why is Sarah Bareilles on my Ipod? I mean I don't like her music...Is she hot?". A quick google search later- Meh, she's not bad but she has a weird nose.  But definitely not hot enough to be on my Ipod when I don't like her music."

                                                             Incomplete movie script: My life the movie.

    Cast (In order of appearance) *Note the actor may actually look nothing like the person they're playing

Kyle Mahoney: Andrew Garfield (Social Network)
Chase Trouthner: Topher Grace (That 70's Show)
Joseph Cavender. Ryan Gosling (Crazy Stupid Love)
James Tidwell:  Zac Efron (17 Again)
Anine Hotvedt: Ellen Page (Inception)
Jeff Cook: Micheal Cera (George Micheal)
Garrett Mackay: Jesse Eisenberg (Zombieland)
Ben Roush: Josh Henderson (Nothing notable because Ben likes things that no one likes) 
Chad Workman: Chris Pine (Star Trek)
Ryan Mahoney: Chris O'dowd (The IT Crowd)
Future Kyle: Leonardo DiCaprio (Growing Pains)
Future Chase: Edward Norton (Fight Club)
Ty Workman: Ashton Kutcher (That 70's Show)
Past Kyle:Seth: Robert Dusky (Diary Of a Wimpy Kid)
Danielle Mahoney: Amy Adams (Enchanted)
Kaitlyn Mahoney Tolman: April Ludgate (Parks and Rec)
Joseph Tolman: Robert Pattinson (Twilight (you're welcome Kaitlyn))
Janet Mahoney: Amy Sedaris (Puss In Boots)
Jack Mahoney:  Alfred Molina (Spider Man 2)
Barbra Lepinski: Courtney Cox (FRIENDS)
John Lepinksi: Collim Firth (Pride and Prejudice)
Voice of Kyal Allphin: Bob Sagat (How I Met Your Mother)
Jorgen Tuck: Jason Segal (How I Met Your Mother)

So, this is as far as I got with my movie.  A cast that could never be assembled. It was really quite awkward looking up male actors.  For instance to find a actor for Ty I typed "Hot young actor" into Google...which brought up some seriously weird results.  

  I hope you enjoyed that randomness of my thoughts.  I also realize the script to my movie actually has no script.  Or even a screen play or anything.  It's merely the people I want in my movie.  Maybe a day in the future I'll attempt writing a script or something.  To add to the randomness I just remembered Ryan Mahoney still owes the world his top 10 list of best friend duos.  The world is waiting Ryan.  And to be honest it's also a little disappointed.  We all are. 
    I know it only took me 42 days into this new year to post a blog.  I, like many other before me, said I want to blog more this year.  Will it happen?  Would Michelle stab me in my heart if I stopped blogging to signify her breaking my heart like I broke hers?  More than likely.  I'm not really good at endings so, I'll see you around, dirt bag.  

Monday, July 18, 2011

Fearing fear

   The other day I heard one the coolest stories of my life.  As it goes, Danous Estenor a USF (University of Southern Florida) offensive linemen was chilling in Florida going to grab some food.  He sees a man trapped under a wheel of a Cadilac! (What I want to know is how does someone end up under a tire? I know it was a tow truck driver so he gets under cars sometimes, but that doesn't explain what he was doing under a wheel) So what does he do?  What any logical citizen would do.  He lifted the car...yes you read that right.  He lifted a 3,000 pound car to save a mans life.  And that got me thinking "That is one dude I do not want to meet in a dark alley."  So here is a list of people I never want to meet in a dark alley *Note* this is NOT a top 10 list, it's merely a list of random people I decided to talk about.*

Jon Bones Jones-Professional UFC fighter-  I want nothing to do with any of his 6'4" 205 lbs.  Brother chased down a mugger and put him in a arm bar until authorities came.  No big deal.  Oh and he has a 7 foot wingspan.  7 feet! Do I sense a "bro-crush" coming on?  Ya, I think I do.  Give me a gun, I still lose.  Why? Because I wet myself when he starts running at me...then I die.

Houdini  -The best magician ever-  Ya people say he's dead so what?  Do you want to fight a magician?  I don't.  Everytime I'd try and shoot him a dove would come out of no where and take the bullet for him.  Or he'd "find" a crowbar from behind my ear and beat me to death with it. A cop once (and only ONCE) claimed that Houdini bribed him and other cops to escape from prisons early in career.  He sued him and won...because he was able to break into the judge's safe, proving his legitness(I don't care if that's not a word it works, deal with it)...also that cop was never heard from again. 

Ty Workman  -BAMF dude-  The problem with Ty is he is better at...well everything than I am.  You take my best attribute (knife fighting) against Ty's worst (ballet) and Ty still wins.  How you ask? Because.  (Didn't you just hate it when your parents would answer a question with "because"? me too. So, now it's my turn)

Coach Clark -One crazy Polynesian-  Honestly, I don't want to meet him anwhere.  Sidenote I'm pretty sure he's part grizzle bear

Charles Manson  -Batshit crazy- 

Bill Murray  -A professional-  If I were to meet Bill Murray anywhere really I would finally realize how not funny I am.  And that's worse than dying...

Nancy Pelosi  -Censored-  I don't want to meet her in a dark alley because, well, I'd go down for Murder 1 and I really don't need that right now. 

Orlando Bloom  -Aspiring actor-  I'd catch his lame

Leonard Nimoy  -Spock-  I would say "Hey look it's Leonard Nemoy, that's cool.".  I would then be jumped by literally 164 crazed trekies who would tear me limb for limb, all the while, swearing in Klingon for calling their beloved Spock by his "Earth name"

Ray Lewis -Professional football player-  I'm pretty sure he's killed a guy.  And the only reason he isn't an actual professional killer is because Football is a more lucradive career. 

Myself -NegaKyle- This would defy laws of physics, logic, and the space time continuum.  Who knows all my moves better than me?  Nobody that's who. (Imagine if you will, George Sr. fighting Oscar in Arrested Development).  I would also have an inckling that I was in the Water Temple from Ocarina of Time (Fun fact #1 this was the first video I literally just sat there and watched my Brother beat the whole thing.  Also absolutly GREAT game.) and I hated that stupid temple.  I also feel a "shadow Kyle"  would be...darker than me.  Would he carry a machete at all times?  Probably.  Would he have a jar of lava?  I would if I were him.  How do I beat a darker, machete carrying, lava throwing, version of myself? *Random tangent*Also, he must be far more technilogically advanced than me, because he has lava, in a jar that he would throw at me.  That's a game changer.  But just think of the technology requied to have a jar that could hold lava and keep it hot, perfect for throwing/pouring on people but the jar wouldn't melt or even be hot!*  When I lose this fight I would think "I really should've been more prepared to fight myself.  Wait, how could I be more prepared to fight me than by being me?"  that, is a paradox that has the potential to unravel space and time. 

   There you have it.  All of those people I hope to never meet in a dark alleyway.  Although, have you ever wondered why we say that?  And by that I mean "I don't want to meet that guy in a dark alleyway"?  I mean, I know why I say it.  Because this one time after "mouthing off" to my dad (Fun fact #2 I put "'s around mouthing off because, really as a child I never actually mouthed off because of the amount of fear my father instilled into my soul as a child.  So they were never really mouthing off) he said the following very quietly so my mom couldn't hear "You know, you never know what can happen in a dark alleyway.  You could for instance,  oh I dont know, have a terrible fall...." (Fun fact #2 makes sense now huh?) I just don't think everyone has fathers that blantly threaten them at 9 to create that kind fear. You know what else can deepen that fear?  Getting seperated fromy your family at the Rockland county carnival when you're 12 and finding yourself in a dark alley with a clown, then he says "Hey kid you lost?  Your parents won't be able to to find you back here....".  Only a few months ago, after a decade of nightmares of being dismembered behind the fat bearded lady tent, I realized he was probably trying to help....Oh well the damage is been done. 

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Public service announcement #1

     So my regular post is taking a little longer than anticipated (I blame Tom Cruise, freaking Scientologists).  So hopefully this public service announcement will better your lives. It's all ready helped like, all of Indonesia.  

    Someone once said to me "Hey Kyle you sure are quick on your feet to say something funny, intelligent, quirky, and clever.  You are probably the best person to ever live, I'm pretty sure you were the influence for Weezer's "I am the greatest man that ever lived" song." Ok so that last part didn't happen...and well neither did the first part.  But If I combine like, the 5 nice things people have said to me I get that first part.  I would like to tell you how, I am the Iam

    It's not because I am smarter than you.  It's because I am situationally prepared.  For instance, I am ready at ANY TIME for someone to say "Yo Kyle it's a rap off using your name to rhyme off of."  I'd be all like "I'm ready fo' that, just drop a beat."  it goes as follows:

My name is Kyle.
I don't own a single file.
I once caught a fish from the nile.
All my clothes are in a pile.
I use a toilett for my bile.
My sister's got tons of style.  (Fun fact #1 my sister seriously does have tons of style. Especially with shoes.)
My Mom's without guile.
This one time I ran a mile.
I rap every once in a while.
You don't use a potato to dial.
When I was young I owned a reptile.
I think you are in denial.
I've got tons of acid in a vial.
Lowes carries my favorite kind of tile.
I'm so freaking agile.
Yet so freaking docile.
I even watched the O.J trial.
One day I'll fight a crocodile.
And because of that I smile.

   Ya, that just happened.  I may never use that BAMF rap in my lifetime, but I can sleep at night knowing I'm prepared, and I'm not even an eagle scout.  Also when I was like 8 my brother said the line "Well look at you Mr. Smarty pants."  I had nothing to say, because I was 8 and stupid.  About a day later I came up with, what I thought was the greatest line ever "Well at least my career doesn't have the phrase "Do you want fries with that?" in it."  So I just waited, and waited then one day when I was 13 the time came. Blasted him with the line and smugly walked away saying "You should pick up your jaw, because you're drooling on the floor shmuck."

    As a result I'm ready for almost any situation.  Like if a girl ever says "I used to be a dude."  I say "Hey so was my friend Chase."   BOOM! (Fun fact #2 suck it Chase BAHAHAHAHAAHA).  This will seriously give you a leg up in life.  Use it on siblings, parents, co-workers, hot people, ugly people, ect... it doesn't really matter, because, if you're not a freaking tard you will prevail.  Now, all you need to remember to be situationally prepared, are the 5 D's of dodgeball: dodge, dip, dive, duck, dodge. 

Monday, June 20, 2011

Fishing in the wishing well

    When I was 14 I made a plan to be a super hero.  Rather in depth too.  I drew a sweet costume design, had an epic catch phrase, had pimp ideas for a secret liar, I was looking online for vials of acid, old bookcases, and doors that always creaked when opened.  I then started my quest to get super powers.
     As it turns out that radiation would actually just kill me, not make me awesome.  I also found out there have been no recorded instances in which a person has been bit by a radioactive spider.  There is no such thing as a "super serum". After learning all this I just thought "Well maybe I can just go the Batman or Green Lantern direction just being a normal guy with sweet circumstances.  Well I'm not a billionaire with dead parents.  As for the Green Lantern idea, I waited in a crop circle for nearly 45 minutes and no aliens came with an all powerful ring to fight crime, what a gip.
       I then moved into my Aquaman/Ironman dilemma.  I thought "I'm fairly positive I can't breathe under water, let alone any human ever...but maybe, just maybe I am the exception!".  No, no I wasn't.  Although it led to an eventful summer of trying to learn how to breathe under water (Fun fact #1 there is no book to help you, there is no "Breathing under water for dummies.").  Another problem I couldn't command sea creatures, it was just me screaming at my fish tank for 25 minutes.  *Random side note* Although I was trying to become Aquaman (Only I'd come up with a way sweeter name like "the human fish" good huh?) I never understood WHY he was a superhero.  I mean you can breathe under water and command fish.  So what?  How does that help you when Nazi zombies are eating people, a giant meteor is coming straight towards earth, we're being invaded by technologically advanced aliens, or just the regular weird dude hell bent on destroying the earth? Save the world with that power loser.*   So with that Aquman was out. Ironman really just took the following conversation with myself "Am I smart?  No." Ya that was pretty much it.  But seriously I can't let this Aquman thing go.  Unless the bomb (assuming they even use a bomb, these days we all know a satellite laser is way more likely) is under water (which would still make it crazy hard to find since water covers 2/3 of the freaking earth!) or the bad guy falls under water you could have sharks eat him, but wait won't he die anyway if he's under water for like 5 minutes? Yes he will. I will end this with just saying Aquman is the worst super hero ever! His powers are cool but not super hero worthy.  With that little tantrum out of the way we'll move on.       
      I thought about the possibility of being a mutant. Because not a week goes by that I don't think to myself "Man I wish I was a mutant.  I wouldn't be one of those wiener mutants that just say "All I want to be is normal I hate my life!" shut up faggot.  Another reason is because some mutants don't find out their mutants until later in life.  Technically the ship hasn't sailed on that idea, but at this point I'm merely waiting.  A problem I foresee when (yes I use the word when not if, it's called optimism jerk) I become a mutant unless I have like one of the most BAMF powers of all time, I'll need a posse of mutants to make a formidable crime fighting crew. 
     I gave up on my first dream, until this terrible show changed my life when I was 17.  Heroes.  They were mutants who only got their powers when a solar eclipse happened! There was still hope!  A quick google search yet again destroyed my dreams the closest solar eclipse would be in Idaho/Montana in 2017 (road trip anyone?) other possible candidates being March 2006 in who knows where Africa, August 2008 in no one cares Siberia, July 2009 in the Pacific ocean, and November 2012 in freaking Australia.  Perfect back to square one being a totally normal loser.  (Fun fact #2 I felt way better after Heroes totally sucked as a show and got cancelled with their "big" move at the end of season 3 with Claire showing the world she had powers.  Ya I watched the whole show so what? I have two words that made the show worth it.  Hayden Panettiere.  Ya, lawyered.)
      The last ditch effort was last year when I watched "Kickass" the premise of the show is a normal kid wants to be a super hero (hey that sounds just like me).  Only I thought it out more.  This kid just buys a costume and BAM expects to be a super hero.  Nope he gets stabbed and hit by car.  Funny huh? Due to those events, he no longer has feeling in his whole body.  (fun fact #3 that is called Congenital insensitivity to pain.) so he goes and fights crime.  Only it's not that cool looking.  He gets tricked, pwned and Nicolas Cage gets set on fire next to him.  And lets be real no one wants to be next to Nicolas Cage.  Ever.  That ended any and all "Maybe I don't need super powers to be a super hero." thoughts
    That's where I am now, hopelessly not a super hero.  Lame I know. A dream I had when i was 14 is now in indefinite hiatus.  Don't get me wrong the SECOND I'm bit by a radioactive spider I'm moving to New York.  But until then I will remain incognito as the mild mannered Kyle Mahoney. 

-Some of you may have realized that I never told what my super hero name would be.  Well duh, I didn't tell you so when I do become a super hero no one will know its me.  Also people will just think  "Hey there's a super hero in New York City didn't Kyle randomly pack up and move there like 3 days ago?  Totally gotta be a coincidence."  Hey if Superman can get away with just taking off his freaking glasses and no ever recognizes him I can get away with that.